The Fear In Finding Joy
What?? Let me explain:
The thing that prompted me to write this post was Glennon Doyle’s podcast on FUN. If you haven’t listened to her podcast, I highly recommend it.
Anyway, I resisted listening to it and I felt really uncomfortable during it.
The reason for that is; I STRUGGLE with having fun. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had plenty of it in my life, in spurts. However, I’ve never been a woman who has had a “thing” that I do. A thing that is my escape, a thing that brings me joy. Like a sport, or a hobby.
I don’t know, maybe it’s because I never really saw my mom having fun. She was a high achieving woman with little time for extracurricular activities. Between taking care of us kids, keeping the house clean, making ALL our meals, being an Army wife, and going at it to create a meaningful career for herself there wasn’t much left.
So I guess I adopted this way of being. Work (a lot), chores, be a mom, take care of everyone else but myself, eat, sleep. Sneaking in a vacation every now and then.
The way I learned to escape, and where I found fun in my teen years, was partying. Alcohol was an easy way to find fun. I kept that going for a looooong time. It was the thing that gave me permission to let my hair down and open myself up. Obviously, it comes with a price and as I re-evaluated my relationship with alcohol (i.e. given it up), I have had to find a new pathway to finding joy and it’s a little terrifying and exciting at the same time.
So, I’m trying new things and discovering who I am. Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
I really like to cross country ski,
I like to hit things. So I box. And in the gym I often find myself completely out of my thinking brain. For me, that is a miracle
I am trying piano again. I played until I was about 14 then gave it up. I’m not sure I love it yet...but I also think it's one of those things you have to give some time to.
I might be a podcast junkie
I like to put on music and dance around the house as I clean or cook.
I love to be on or in the water (lakes, rivers, oceans, or pools… i don’t care)
My FAVORITE thing to do is walk or hike in nature and have deep conversations with the sisters I am walking through this life with.
Next week I am trying CAMPING again for the first time in 25 years. I’ll let you know how it goes. LOL.
What new things are you trying? What brings you joy?